


Everything After

by leo_draconis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 22:44:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1528412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leo_draconis/pseuds/leo_draconis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry is kidnapped and held prisoner for several days, the horrors he withstands are numerous. He's sure that Draco will never want to continue their fledgling relationship when he finds out how soiled Harry is now, and Draco is determined to show him that he's wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything After

**Author's Note:**

> This definitely deals with some tough subject matter, and there is non-con ahead – some scenes less graphic and some more so (and NOT between Harry and Draco). Definite angst. Please be warned for possible triggers. Also, this follows a non-linear pattern. All that said, I hope you'll give this a chance and read it! It was originally written for a fest over at kink_n_squick on LJ, for a prompt requesting comfort after a sexual assault.

Harry's chest heaved, his respirations ragged from the exertion caused by his fruitless struggles. The bonds held, no matter how valiantly he tried to pull himself free, and he felt droplets of blood forging sluggish paths down each forearm in response to the valleys carved into each wrist by thick ropes.

The air was putrid, thick with the stench of sex and smoke and alcohol. He had no idea where he was or who had been the one to stun him when his back was turned, but the one certainty he possessed was that of fear. Overwhelming, smothering fear that was so palpable Harry could feel it winding itself around his limbs, up his thighs and arms and torso like snakes. Slimy and hot, though, rather than the dry and cool creatures he could have spoken to as a friend.

"Look at you, pretty Potter," an unfamiliar and unpleasant voice floated in from the direction of the door. "All spread out for me, just waiting for my cock at last."

"Let me go," Harry croaked, voice hoarse from what felt like hours of screaming. "Please… I have gold, I have –"

"I don't need your gold," the man hissed, and his footsteps were rapid and heavy as he crossed the room. "Everything I want is right here, tied to my bed. You may think you're above someone so common as me, but you'll find out otherwise soon enough. And if you're lucky I'll let you live when I've finished with you."

"Please, I –" Harry's words were cut short when his assailant delivered a slap to his face hard enough to rattle his teeth. 

"Shut _up_." A rough hand gripped Harry's face, squeezing until his lips were forced to part. "I don't want you to open your mouth again until I'm ready to shove my cock down your throat, understand?"

Harry managed a jerky nod against the pressure and stifled a sob when the man let him go. "Good boy," he heard. He swallowed against the bile that rose to his throat when the man trailed a hand down his naked body, pausing to squeeze his genitals tightly. "You're mine now, Potter. Finally all mine. I'll be back soon."

The door creaked shut, and Harry wept.

~~~~~

_One Month Earlier_

Harry bounced nervously on the balls of his feet as he attempted to tie his ridiculous tie. He'd have skipped it all together if he was having dinner with an ordinary man, but Draco Malfoy was far from ordinary.

Studying his reflection in the mirror, he decided he'd done the best he could. His Floo chimed downstairs and he hurried from the room. Draco didn't care to be kept waiting.

"Good evening," Draco greeted him when he stepped into the living room. A smile crept across his face. "My, don't you look edible this evening."

"I could say the same about you." Harry leaned in to kiss Draco lightly. "Shall we go?"

"We could, or we could stay in and discover the body you've apparently been hiding beneath robes and ill-fitting clothing." Draco's eyes roamed over Harry's body. "That suit fits you spectacularly."

"Perhaps we could come back here for dessert," Harry suggested. His stomach fluttered at the thought of what they might finally get up to, and he nearly laughed out loud – _finally_. It was only their third date, after all, but with their years of history and months dancing around each other at the Ministry it seemed as though they'd been on the verge of this next step all their lives.

"That sounds like the perfect solution."

Dinner went well, much as their previous dates had. While being forced to share an office in the Department of Mysteries, they'd discovered they had quite a bit more in common than they'd assumed. Their conversations gradually became easier and easier until they were effortless, and before long they were spending most of their free time together as friends with an undertone of something more hovering on the periphery. When Harry had finally mustered up the courage to invite Draco out on a proper date, the blond had simply smirked and asked what had taken him so long. 

They ambled down the road in companionable silence after their meal, close enough that their fingers brushed occasionally. Harry glanced sideways at Draco. "I'm glad you suggested that restaurant. My salmon was wonderful."

"Like I'd recommend anything but the best." Draco winked at him. "You know I demand perfection."

Harry chuckled. "And yet here you are, out with me."

Draco sidled closer to nudge him. "Enough of that. You're exactly what I want."

"The feeling's mutual."

Their fingers caught hold then and Draco tugged Harry toward him. "I've been waiting to kiss you all night," Draco murmured.

"Really?" Harry's breath caught. 

"Mmm." Draco tipped his chin up with a finger and brought both palms to rest on Harry's jaw. "I'm done waiting."

Harry closed his eyes as Draco's lips met his. They'd shared brief kisses after their prior dates, but this… it was new. Deeper, somehow, and full of promise for things to come.

They Apparated to Harry's flat and their clothing came off effortlessly as they made their way to the bedroom. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once to feel a man's hands, to feel _Draco's_ hands, touching him so intimately, but Harry relished every moment of it. They touched and tasted and eventually frotted to completion, and afterward Harry curled up beside Draco.

"A cuddler, hmm?" Draco teased, shifting away slightly. 

"Maybe a little." Harry flushed. "Sorry."

"No worries. I'm just… not. But I can probably make an exception after I cool down a bit." Draco ran a hand up Harry's thigh. "That is, if you want me to stay…"

Harry turned his head and smiled. "Stay."

~~~

It seemed like hours before he returned. 

The blindfold was beginning to chafe Harry's face as it wasn't made of terribly absorbent material and a mixture of tears and sweat were trapped against Harry's skin. He could hear someone moving around – he prayed to any available deity that it was only one someone – in another room and wondered when the man would come back. 

When he did, footsteps ominous on the creaking floor, Harry stifled a sob and waited.

"Look at you," the man said, the sneer obvious in his voice. "Thought you were too good for the likes of me. You never answered a single one of my letters, did you?"

"I – I didn't get them, I –"

"Shut up!" The sound of glass breaking reverberated around the room. "You had to have gotten them! I wrote you again and again this year. When the _Prophet_ printed your coming out article after you graduated I knew you'd need someone to show you how good it could be. I've watched you over the years, little Potter. All your articles and photos… I wanted to fuck you when you were eleven, but I had to wait. For _years_ I waited for you to be old enough, and when you were you didn't even respond!"

"They intercept my post!" Harry tried, voice desperate. "They filter it, and –"

The footsteps were rapid and in a moment a hand was wrapped around his throat. Harry gurgled as he tried to pull in a breath.

"No more excuses," the man hissed. "You're mine and you'll get exactly what's coming to you. I've wanted you for almost a decade, ever since I first saw your little speccy face in the paper. Oh, I knew about you before that – I had just finished Hogwarts myself when you defeated Voldemort the first time."

"Please –" Harry mouthed. The hand released him and Harry gasped in great lungfuls of air.

"You looked so lost," the voice continued, a dreamy quality seeping in. "No parents… all alone and off to Hogwarts. My parents died when I was young, too, and I was raised by foster parents. You see, Harry? We're alike, you and I. I knew that if you'd let me I could be your daddy. Would you like that?"

Harry wept, unable to form words. "I…"

"Would you _like that_ , Harry?" Rough fingers pinched his nipples.

"Y-yes, I…"

"I knew you would. And now you're going to be a good boy and suck Daddy's cock."

Harry gagged when the man turned his head with a handful of his hair and shoved his prick into Harry's mouth. He hadn't yet gotten the hang of it… Draco teased him for his sensitive gag reflex, but was far more gentle with him than Harry's assailant.

_Draco_.

As the man groaned and came down Harry's throat, Harry realized that Draco would never want to touch him again. Not now.

~~~

_Two weeks earlier_

"I'm about finished here, if you're ready." Draco leaned back in his chair and stretched. "I'm definitely ready for the weekend."

"Me, too." Harry sighed. "I'm tired of this fucking project."

"Language," Draco teased. "I only want to hear that word if you're talking about fucking me… or perhaps me fucking you. If we ever get around to either of those, that is."

Harry reddened. "Er…"

"I'm teasing you. Come on, let's put this thing to rest for a few days and attack it again on Monday."

"Is it…" Harry bit his lip. "Is it bothering you that I'm a bit slow? In bed, I mean."

"I'm going to ignore the thousand or so jokes you set me up for with that opening – happy early Christmas – and just tell you that some things, the best things, are worth the wait." Draco leaned over to kiss Harry's forehead. "Let's get takeout and go back to mine, yeah?"

Harry nodded and grabbed his robes. "Sounds good."

Chinese on the sofa led to abandoned chopsticks and groping, and before Harry knew it he was flat on his back with Draco sucking him off as though his life depended on it. Harry's last hazy thought before he sailed over the edge, as he saw Draco look up and give him a saucy wink that made his heart swell, was that his own life very well may depend on Draco's presence within it.

~~~

There was no way to describe the pain other than excruciating. 

Harry knew his knowledge on anal sex – most forms of sex, really – was still limited, but he was sure that a proper partner would have used some form of lubrication. Possibly prepared him in some way first.

The first thrust into his dry and unwilling passage sent shocks of pain up his spine, and he screamed. His assailant merely grunted in response and continued to thrust.

When Harry was seven, his cousin went to day camp for the summer. That resulted in the best summer of his life so far – long days in the sun, left to roam the fenced-in yard while his uncle was at work and his aunt and Dudley were out of the house. He found a spot beneath an enormous oak tree, perfectly shaded, where he could lie on his back and watch the sun make patterns as it shone through the crisscrossing branches. It felt as though nothing could hurt him or disappoint him for a few short hours.

As blessed nothingness licked at the hazy edges of his consciousness, Harry tried in desperation to imagine that he was beneath his tree once more, and that the pain wouldn't find him there.

~~~  
 _  
One week earlier_

"Can we try something new?" Draco breathed.

Harry nodded. "Yes. Anything." He ran his fingers through Draco's hair and moaned when Draco closed his lips over Harry's nipple.

"Good." Draco slid down Harry's body and paused to suck the moisture from the tip of Harry's cock. "Roll over."

"Are we…" Harry asked hesitantly. He felt as though he might be ready. It was silly to hold off, wasn't it, when they both wanted it? Draco had told him numerous times that he would take his fair share of turns on the bottom, too. Still, at the start he'd been afraid that somehow taking that last step would ruin whatever it was he and Draco were building. That it would turn out to be just sex after all and then they'd have nothing left.

Except that, for Harry, it had quickly become apparent that it was far more than just sex.

"No," Draco replied. "You'll like it, though, I promise."

Harry lifted his hips when Draco instructed, feeling silly, and waited.

The first pass of Draco's tongue over his furled hole made him yelp in an embarrassing expression if shock. The next few made him flush, and after that…

He came in a humiliating three minutes – or at least he tried to be humiliated until he rolled over and saw the pride reflected in Draco's grin. "That was, er…"

"Bloody hot!" Draco supplied. "I can't believe you came so fast – I nearly shot my load just watching you. You are so fucking hot, gorgeous. I love that no one has ever touched you and tasted you the way I have. No one has ever been inside you. You're all for me." Draco kissed him fiercely, and Harry forgot his embarrassment as Draco rubbed against his hip in desperation until he came.

When Draco actually allowed Harry to hold him afterward, Harry knew his heart was lost.

~~~

Harry lost count of the number of times he'd had the man's disgusting cock in his mouth, especially right after it had been up his own arse. He always tasted the coppery tang of blood – his blood – on those occasions.

The man was nothing if not unpredictable. Harry was never sure what sort of mood he'd be in when he entered the room. Sometimes he was sickeningly nice, calling himself "Daddy" and feeding Harry by hand before attempting to bring Harry off. Harry hated himself every time his confused penis responded to the man's touch.

There were the less friendly times, too, of course. They were filled with beatings and forced intercourse, and Harry usually lost consciousness during those encounters.

He knew he'd lost a considerable amount of blood. He felt weak and tired all the time, so much so that he couldn't find the energy to fight. And why should he, he wondered bitterly? The bastard would take what he wanted anyway. He'd already taken what Harry was saving for Draco, and it couldn't be replaced.

~~~

_One week later_

Harry stared at the stark white wall and wondered why St. Mungo's couldn't manage to paint their walls. Something, anything, but the glaring white that accompanied the medicinal smells and overloud sounds.

He started when the door flew open.

"Harry!" Draco rushed to his side and began touching him. His hands were everywhere and Harry felt as though he couldn't breathe.

"Stop!" he managed.

"I'm sorry… you're hurt. I'm just so relieved, Harry, you have no idea how worried I've been!" Draco was trembling, and Harry noted his haggard appearance with some surprise.

It was unfortunate that he'd retreat in revulsion all too soon.

"How did you know I was gone?" Harry asked. His voice sounded hollow echoing in his head, and his throat ached.

"What do you mean? They found your wand – that's how they traced you, eventually. I wish they'd found it sooner. You didn't come to mine that night, you didn't show up at work… I contacted Weasley and the rest of the Aurors. I was terrified, and so were your friends."

"Oh." Harry looked at his hands. "And how did you know I was here?"

"Weasley, of course."

"Did he… what did he tell you about it?"

"That some insane fuck kidnapped you." Draco's lips peeled away from his teeth. "I want to kill him with my bare hands, Harry. Weasley said he beat you."

"And… and is that all?"

"Yes. Why?" Draco frowned. "What didn't he tell me, Harry? What aren't _you_ telling me?"

"That he… I… that he didn't just beat me. He hurt me with… with sexual things." Humiliation burned in his throat as he choked out the words, but he knew Draco deserved to hear it from him before it hit the press.

Draco stumbled back a step, hands balled into fists. "He… are you saying he _raped_ you?"

"Yes." His voice was scarcely a whisper.

"I see." Draco looked down, his throat working convulsively. "And… are you all right?"

"No." Harry covered his face with his hands. "No."

Silence stretched into such a length that Harry was certain he'd left, but when he dropped his hands he saw Draco sitting beside his bed, watching him with an unreadable expression.

"I'm sorry," he offered.

"What?" Draco gave him an incredulous shake of the head. "You're sorry? _You're_ sorry? For what?"

"For… not being… I'm not clean anymore. You liked that I hadn't been with anyone, and now I'm filth."

"Potter, if you think so little of me…" Draco stopped and hung his head, allowing his hair to hide his face. When he finally looked at Harry again his eyes were red. "I thought I'd lost you. I thought you were dead somewhere, and that they were going to show up one day to tell me they'd identified your body."

"Oh." Harry rubbed his fingers together in a nervous gesture. 

"I was sure I'd lost you," Draco repeated. "And all I could think about, over and over, was that I'd never told you that I love you."

Harry's breath caught. "You loved me? You did?"

"No, I _do_ ," Draco corrected. "And no fucking pervert is going to change that. No matter what he's done… we'll fix it."

Harry gave him a weak smile. It sounded so good, all of it, but he knew it was just a matter of time before Draco realized how disgusting he truly was.

~~~

_Four weeks later_

The nightmares were unbearable.

Every night he was forced to relive parts of his torture, and sometimes his creative mind added new bits in until he couldn't remember what was real. It took several minutes for him to calm his pounding heart and catch his breath.

It helped that Draco was there. Harry hadn't actually invited him, but he felt so much safer when he watched Draco add protective enchantments to Harry's already tightly-woven wards every night. 

It was nice, too, when strong arms wrapped around him and held him until the sobs subsided. He could almost fall asleep again afterward, but then he'd remember that Draco didn't like to cuddle and he'd move away, unwilling to force his… Draco into an uncomfortable situation.

It was laughable that he didn't know what to call Draco anymore. Draco had told Harry he loved him but Harry had yet to return the sentiment. He was in love with Draco; he'd known that before the… before. It simply felt wrong to admit it when he knew Draco was counting the minutes until he could walk away from the catastrophe that he'd inherited.

They hadn't shared a single kiss, and Harry knew it was because Draco saw the filth all over him. The mouth that had sucked another man's cock, however unwillingly. He couldn't blame Draco for that.

There were times, even outside the nightmares, when Draco tried to hold Harry. Sometimes it felt good and Harry was tempted to allow it, even if it wasn't fair to Draco. Sometimes, though, the smallest touch made Harry's skin crawl and he had to flee. It was unpredictable and unfortunate, but he couldn't seem to stop the flashes of memory that certain touches or caresses ignited.

"Tea?" Draco appeared before him with a steaming mug. "Careful, it's hot."

Harry took it and curled his legs beneath himself on the sofa. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. How was it today? With the Mind Healer?"

Harry lifted a shoulder in response and sipped the tea, relishing in the burn on his tongue. The meager sustenance his captor had provided had always been cold, whether or not it was meant to be served that way, and the feel of hot food and drink in his mouth reminded him he was free.

Draco sighed and shifted from foot to foot. "Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Will you just… will you just yell at me or something?" Draco exploded. "Tell me to get out, to fuck off, whatever. Tell me you blame me. It's all right, I blame me too. Just… something! Anything but this awful silence, and this refusal to be near me."

Harry stared at him. "Why in hell would I blame you?"

"Because I asked you to pick up dinner that night. I could have gone, but I wanted to finish that fucking report, and…" Draco fisted a hand in his hair. "They found your wand next to the bloody takeout cartons you dropped. If I'd gone, or we'd been together…"

"That's stupid, Draco." Harry sighed. "The man was a complete nutter. He'd have found me anyway. Did they tell you about the room I was in? I assume not. I didn't see it until Ron got there and took off my blindfold."

"Blindfold?"

"Yes, he kept me that way the whole time."

"Why haven't you told me any of this?" Draco shook his head. "When I ask, you change the subject. Why won't you share it with me, let me take some of the burden from you?"

"What would it matter?" Harry's hands were trembling in anger as he set his teacup aside. "Why the fuck do you want to know about it? You finally want to know just how filthy I am? Fine! He stunned me, and when I woke up I was tied to a lumpy bed and blindfolded. I was naked. He came in and told me how much he wanted me and he touched me."

"Harry –"

"No, you wanted this!" Harry shouted, standing up so quickly the sofa rocked. "For more than a week he beat me, he made me call him Daddy, he shoved his cock down my throat, and he fucked me dry. That's why I had to stay three extra days in hospital, did you know? They had to repair my muscles and tissue so that I wouldn't shit myself uncontrollably." He laughed without humor. "Sexy, isn't it? I'm sure you're just _dying_ to get your hands on me now that you know all about it."

"It is not all about sex with me, Harry." Draco's voice was dangerously quiet. "I told you before that I don't appreciate you thinking so little of me, right before I told you I love you. Does that mean nothing to you?"

Weary, Harry closed his eyes. "It means everything. And it means it's going to hurt that much more when you walk away from me."

"Do I have a say in the matter? Because I'm not planning on going anywhere, and I'd really like to know why you expect me to leave you."

"I know you, Draco. You like perfection. You like things to be unspoiled, and brand new. You don't like physical contact."

"What?" Draco exclaimed. "Who the hell are you describing here? It sure isn't me! Since when have I not enjoyed physical contact?"

"Since the beginning! You made fun of me for wanting to… to cuddle, when I just wanted to be near you."

"I don't like to be crowded right after I come, all right? That doesn't mean I don't want to touch you. I want to touch you all the fucking time! I try to touch you, and hold you, and you run away!"

"Because I know you hate it."

"Are you even listening to me? I _want to touch you_." He reached out and Harry instinctively stepped sideways. "You see?"

"I'm sorry." Harry's shoulders slumped. "Sometimes… sometimes it scares me. Reminds me. It's not you, I… I like it when you touch me, most of the time. You make me feel safer. You and Ron, both… I appreciate the way you take turns being here so I'm not alone."

"Please come here," Draco said softly, holding out his arms. Harry went to him without a word and allowed Draco to fold him into an embrace. "I'm glad you feel safe, because I'm going to do anything I have to do to protect you until you're feeling stronger again. After that, too. And Weasley feels the same way."

"I know." Harry allowed himself to relax in Draco's arms, burying his face in the curve of Draco's neck. "This is okay?"

"This is beautiful. There are certain times I don't feel like being wrapped around another person, but with you… I want to hold you, Harry. Especially in light of the fact that I thought I might never hold you again. Does it help?"

"Yes. Mostly."

"And you'll tell me if it becomes too much, or you need to be alone?"

"I will."

"And at night? Do you want me to touch you then?"

"Oh, _yes_ ," Harry said, voice tinged with desperation. "That's when I need it the most. Once I'm awake and aware and you're there, it's like you're my anchor to reality."

"All right. And the rest, Harry… we're going to discuss that, too, at some point, but for now you need to know that I do _not_ think of you as used goods or anything so ridiculous as that. When you're ready I'll prove that to you."

Harry almost believed him.

~~~

_Six Weeks Later_

"Draco?" Harry whispered into the dim and quiet room.

"Mmm?"

"Did you… did you mean it when you said you still wanted me?"

The covers rustled as Draco turned over. "Of course I did."

"Do you think you might make love to me?"

"Now?" Draco sighed. "Harry… are you sure you want that?"

"No. I don't know. I just… I hate him, and I have to see him tomorrow, and I have to prove that he hasn't ruined me. I want to feel you instead of him."

"I don't think it works that way."

"No?" Harry sat up and drew his knees to his chest. "And are you basing that on the numerous times _you've_ been raped? If you don't want to do it –"

"Stop," Draco said firmly. He sat beside Harry, shoulder to shoulder. "I want you very much. You know how badly I wanted to be with you before – well, that's not changed a bit. It's just that you need time to heal."

"The Healers said I'm fine."

"Not physically. Mentally, emotionally."

"It's been weeks. I'm seeing the bloody Mind Healer you lot insisted I see. Can't I try and regain a bit of normalcy?"

"Yes, but… Harry, I want you to _want_ to have sex with me. I want you to want to be intimate with me because you desire me, not because you want me to try and erase what's happened. We're setting ourselves up for disaster if that's why we're doing it."

"I do desire you, Draco. Please help me." Harry reached for Draco's hand. "I want this."

"I… you're sure? I really wish you'd reconsider. Or you could top me, if you like. We've never done that, and -"

"I want you to top. Please, Draco. Please."

"All right." Draco leaned close and kissed Harry softly. "Promise me you'll tell me the instant something doesn't feel right."

"I promise," Harry whispered.

Harry's heart raced as Draco undressed him. Every touch was gentle, careful, but it was difficult for Harry to relax, especially when he couldn't see clearly what was happening in the low light of the bedside lamp he'd taken to leaving on every night. "Wait," he croaked. "Could – could we have more of the lights on?"

"Of course." Draco reached for his wand to light the rest of the lamps. "Better?"

"Yeah, it's… I was blindfolded, and…"

"That's right. I should have thought of that." Draco ran his palm over Harry's abdomen. "Ready to continue?"

Harry released a shaky breath. "Yes."

Draco's hands felt different than they had before. Everything felt different, Harry supposed, after having lost the right to monitor how and by who he was being touched. Still, it wasn't bad… just odd. He remembered how it felt before, when every touch set his skin on fire and he could just about come simply from watching Draco explore his body.

"Is this all right? Draco asked when his fingers closed around Harry's flaccid penis.

"Yes, it's good." Harry clenched and unclenched his hands. _It's Draco. You love Draco. He'll never hurt you._

_Come for Daddy, pretty Potter._

"No," Harry whispered.

"Stop?" Draco's hand stilled.

"No, no – keep going." Harry clenched his teeth and told himself to relax. It worked, a bit, because he found himself hardening in Draco's hand.

"That's it," Draco encouraged. "Come for me."

_Come for Daddy, Harry. Daddy wants to lick you clean._

"Stop it!" Harry cried, covering his ears with both hands. "I can't… I can't…"

"All right, hey – look at me." Draco crawled back up to sit beside him and pulled Harry's hands away from his head. "You're safe, love. I'm right here."

"You were right," Harry choked. "I can't do this. I couldn't even get this far."

"There's no race, Harry. Whenever you _are_ ready, I'll be there. I can't make it go away. I can't erase it. I wish I could, but I can't. I can only do my best to remind you that I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm sick," Harry said softly. "I'm… I'm a pervert."

"What?"

"He made me come. I hated every minute of what he did to me, but sometimes… I couldn't control my body."

"Oh, Harry…" Draco squeezed his hand. "It's not your fault. It's just your body's natural response."

"But I hated what he did to me! How could I come for him just like I always came for you?"

"It's not the same thing if the feelings behind it are different."

"Stop it!" Harry snatched his hands back and rubbed at his eyes angrily. "Why are you always so bloody _calm_? You sound like the stupid Mind Healer. How do you know anything about this?"

"What good will it do for you to see me get angry?" Draco retorted. "You want to know about all the things I broke back in my own flat after I found out what happened to you? You want to know how many times I've considered killing the bastard tomorrow, even though I know I'd only end up in Azkaban? Is that what you want?"

"Yes!" Harry cried. "I want to know that… that… it matters to you."

Draco recoiled. "You question whether it _matters_ to me? You really think that I'm not affected by what happened to you?"

"I know you're affected – it means you have to wait even longer before you get to fuck me." Harry regretted the words even as they flew from his mouth.

"I'm leaving," Draco said, his voice shaking with barely controlled fury. "I am so fucking tired of being accused of everything your paranoid mind concocts. When you decide to stop pitying yourself long enough to realize that I am not the villain here, you can let me know."

"Draco…"

"Do not speak to me right now," Draco warned, pulling his clothes on. "I don't want to hear your voice again tonight."

"I'm sorry," Harry whispered as Draco left the room. Left the flat, left him alone.

He pulled the covers up to his chin and tried to reassure himself that no one was coming for him. No one was going to hurt him, even if he was all alone. He had his wand, after all, and this time, if there was to be a 'this time,' he'd be prepared. He'd defeated Voldermort, for fuck's sake, he told himself. He could protect himself in his own flat.

"Harry?"

He jumped and clutched his wand. "R-Ron?"

"Are you all right, mate? Malfoy Floo-called me a minute ago and asked that I come over right away. Said he had to leave." Ron sat on the edge of the bed.

"I pushed him away." Harry stared at his hands. "He's gone away."

"Had a fight, then?"

"He's been here for me. The whole time. I didn't really expect him to be… we hadn't been together very long, after all, and why would anyone want me after what happened?"

"I'm not really the best one to give advice on relationship stuff. That's more in Hermione's area. But I guess the best I can tell you is that he was frantic when you went missing. He wasn't sleeping or eating, and I found him hanging around the area where you were kidnapped several times like he thought he was going to find some clue we'd missed or something. You blokes have a history bigger than just the time you've been dating and it's pretty obvious that he… you know, loves you. Or whatever." Ron looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Yeah." Harry blinked rapidly. "He's been so good to me and I've been nothing but a disappointment. I don't know if I'll ever be ready to have sex again. I tried, for him, but… I couldn't."

"Did he try and make you?" Ron asked, scowling. "If he's trying to push you –"

"He isn't," Harry assured him. "It was me. I just want to feel normal again, and I thought it would help… but it didn't. And he warned me that it probably wouldn't, but I didn't listen."

"Oh." Ron scratched his chin. "So what's the problem, then? I mean, I know it must be awful to get over, but if he's willing to wait it out…"

"Why should he have to? Why should I expect him to sit around and wait for something that may never happen?"

"I'm sure that someday…"

"I don't even know if I'm dealing with this right. It's been weeks – shouldn't I be over it by now?"

"I don't think there's really a timeline for this sort of thing."

"It doesn't matter. Even if I do get past it, he shouldn't have to touch me again."

Ron sighed. "You keep saying that, but I doubt that's coming from anything he's said to you."

"No, he keeps telling me that it doesn't matter and that he wants me no matter what, and that's nice to hear, but how could anyone _really_ want to be with someone who… who…" Harry turned his face away so that Ron wouldn't see his tears. "I feel disgusting. I still feel his hands on me all the time and I know that Draco will feel it too once he stops feeling sorry for me."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"What if it had happened to Draco? What if he was kidnapped and tortured, and… everything you went through? What would you do?"

"I'd kill him. The man that did it, not Draco."

"Would you still love him?"

"Of course I would!"

"Would you still… you know, want him? Intimately?" Ron grimaced.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Right. So why wouldn't _he_?"

"Oh." Harry frowned. "I get what you're saying, but…"

"I was the first one to ask you why the hell you wanted to date the ferret, if I recall."

The corners of Harry's mouth turned up a little. "Yeah."

"And I'll be the first to say now that I think he's good for you. He's not the same as he was in school – you were right about that. Just remember that you're free now, yeah? I'm sorry it took me…" Ron paused and cleared his throat. "I'm so sorry it took so long to get to you."

"It isn't your fault. And it isn't Draco's fault for sending me out for dinner, even though he thinks so."

"Funny how people want to take all the blame on themselves when they love someone, isn't it?" Hermione stood in the doorway and smiled at Ron and Harry when they jumped. "Sorry. I just wanted to make sure everything was all right since Ron ran out so fast."

"We're fine here." Ron nudged Harry. "Listen, it's not your fault either. We've got the bastard who owns the blame and tomorrow we're going to make sure he's put away for a good long time. So don't let him keep holding you captive, all right? That's just letting him win over and over again, and even more so if you let it ruin what you've got going with Draco. Take whatever time you need to heal, but remember that Draco just wants to help."

"You read the books!" Hermione exclaimed, beaming proudly at her husband.

"What books?" Harry asked.

"Oh, you know 'Mione… she got a bunch of books about dealing with the stuff you went through so that we'd be less likely to make arses of ourselves with you." He glanced at her. "All right, so that _I'd_ be less of an arse."

"You guys have been great. So has Draco." Harry chewed on his lower lip. "Do you suppose he'll ever talk to me again?"

"Whatever it is, I don't think it's going to shake him," Hermione told him. "Not the way he feels about you."

"I've been an arse. Perhaps I should be reading those books." Harry sighed.

"You can, you know. I sent them to Draco. It's mainly the stuff your Mind Healer is likely discussing with you… I just wanted to be able to help if you needed to talk to me." Hermione crawled across the bed and flung herself at Harry. He marveled at the way he didn't flinch, and realized with some pride that he'd been accepting more and more contact in general without moving away. Perhaps there was hope for him yet.

"I appreciate it." Harry patted her back. "I guess we should go to sleep. You don't have to stay… I'm sure you'd rather be home."

"I'm quite comfortable here." Ron stretched out beside Harry, hands folded behind his head. "Hermione?"

"I'm in my pajamas already, aren't I?" She smiled at Harry. "Looks like you're stuck with us."

"I'm glad for that." Harry smiled at his best friends and extinguished all but his one little lamp.

~~~

_The next morning  
_  
The trial was closed to the public, but the press was unrelenting as they waited outside. Harry allowed his friends to steer him through the crowd and make their way up to Ron's office for a bit of privacy.

"Life!" Hermione cried as soon as they were alone. She threw her arms around Harry. "The bastard is never going to see the outside of his cell again."

"Thank Merlin." Harry felt as though he'd been wrung out, but the relief was strong. "It was awful seeing him again. Strange that after everything today was only the second time I was able to lay eyes on him. I was afraid they'd let him go."

"No way that was going to happen, mate." Ron clapped him on the back. "I'm just glad they gave him the maximum sentence. I hope he rots in there."

"Me too…" Harry looked over Hermione's shoulder and trailed off when he saw a familiar face on the other side of the window.

Ron followed his gaze. "Looks like you have a visitor."

"Yeah." Harry swallowed. "Do you mind if –"

"No. We'll go, and you can use the Floo in here to head home when you're finished. Or you can come to ours if you want."

"Thank you. Both of you." Harry smiled at Hermione. "You were brilliant out there."

"Anything for my favorite client." Hermione patted his arm. "Good luck."

Harry nodded and waited for the Floo to settle behind his friends before opening the door. "Hey."

"Hey." Draco's voice was quiet. "May I?"

"Of course." Harry closed the door behind them. "I saw you in there. Thank you for coming."

"I figured it would be all right since you didn't have Granger revoke my clearance. Congratulations. Life in Azkaban is the least that bastard deserves, but I'm glad he got that much." Draco slipped his hands into his pockets.

"I'm sorry, Draco. I didn't mean what I said. I'm a mess, and I don't know how to deal with the way I feel sometimes." Harry spread his hands helplessly. "I don't want to lose you and yet I keep doing my best to push you away."

"Quite the contradiction, that. Come here." Draco opened his arms and Harry stepped into them, never feeling so happy to be anywhere as he was in that moment. "I'm not giving up on you. I shouldn't have left you last night, but…"

"No, you should have. I was an arse and you were right about all of it."

"Still, you trusted me."

"And I still do. You called Ron to stay with me, looking out for me even when you were angry." Harry rested his head on Draco's shoulder. "And one of these nights I'm going to have to be alone again. It'll be all right."

"You don't ever have to be alone."

"I'm glad for that, but because it means I'll get to be with you every night. As a lover, not a bodyguard." Harry sighed. "A lover one day, that is."

"You're still my lover now. The title's not revoked just because we're taking a break from some of the more physical aspects of our relationship." Soothing hands moved over Harry's back.

"I like that." Harry held on tighter. "You were right about me not being ready. About not forcing things. I'm sorry I tried to use you that way."

"It's all right, Harry. We're all right. Just… try and remember that this isn't all about sex. You seem to think you're depriving me or disappointing me when all I want is to be near you. The rest just doesn't bloody well matter right now, and I think we should just put it on hold and focus on you. On _us_."

"That… that helps a lot." Harry bit his lip. "But I would like one thing, if you don't mind."

"Anything."

Harry lifted his head. "Kiss me?"

"You're sure?"

"He didn't really do that, and I miss kissing you. We haven't had a proper snog since it all happened. Maybe if we start there, the rest will come."

"In time." Draco touched his lips to Harry's forehead. "I'd rather wait until you're truly ready than spoil it all by going too fast. And I will wait for as long as it takes, Harry."

"I know you will," Harry replied with a sense of wonder. It was suddenly difficult to imagine he'd ever doubted Draco. "And I'm not there yet, but I'm beginning to believe that there's hope."

"There's always hope." 

"Did you read the books Hermione sent, then?" Harry asked suddenly. "I've wondered why you always seem so wise about everything."

"Isn't it possible I'm just naturally wise?" Draco pouted. "And no, I did not." 

"Oh." He was oddly disappointed.

Draco tipped Harry's chin up with a finger. "Because I'd already read them all. It's what I did the first week I went back to work, while you were still on leave."

Harry grinned. "Slacking off at the office?"

"Hardly. Just working on something much more important, and it seems that Granger and I approach research with similar minds. I… I was afraid I'd push you too fast, or touch you the wrong way, or say something stupid." Draco sighed. 

"You? Say something stupid? Never," Harry teased.

"It's been known to happen. I said I hated you once upon a time, after all. That was stupid."

"We've made up for all that by now, and you've been perfect. Thank you."

"I'm not perfect by a long shot and I don't always know what to do here, but I'm really trying."

"I know, and I love you for it." _Fuck, but it feels good to say that at last_ , Harry thought.

"I love you, too." He kissed Harry then, and it was full of promise, and hope, and love.

~~~

Harry felt himself drifting in and out of consciousness as he was raped for what seemed like the thousandth time. The pain was there, just as always, and he willed the blackness to overtake his mind so that he didn't have to be present when the man came inside him again.

New sounds caused him to hold on, however, and he cried out when his body was suddenly vacated. Shouts rang through the room and he was terrified of what might be happening around him – until he heard a familiar voice.

"Harry… oh, mate, hang on!"

His shoulders burned when the ties on his wrists were released and he blinked when the blindfold was pulled from his face. The room was too bright after so many days in forced darkness. "Ron?" he croaked.

His best friend stared at him, his face a mask of pity and regret. "Harry… Merlin, Harry." He folded his arms around Harry and held him close while the tears came.

When he finally looked around what he saw filled him with terror once again.

His face stared back at him from all four walls. Photos were plastered to every available surface, most from newspaper clippings but many from film, clearly taken while he was unaware. The room was shabby and the sheets he was laying on were filthy. 

His eyes were drawn to the doorway, where a man was flanked by two Aurors. The man was fairly average-looking with watery eyes and prematurely thinning hair. It chilled him to think that someone who appeared so non-threatening was capable of the things he'd done.

"Harry, baby – don't let them take Daddy away!" the man begged, seeing Harry's gaze on him. "Tell them you love me!"

"Don't you fucking speak to him, you sick fuck!" Ron snarled, arms tightening around Harry. "Get him out of here."

"It's over," Harry whispered.

"Yeah, it is." Ron studied him. "Think you'll be all right to Apparate? I need to get you to St. Mungo's. You're hurt pretty bad."

"I think so." Harry looked down at the bloodstained sheets. "I don't know where my clothes are."

"You'll wear my robes. Don't worry about that."

"I thought… I thought I'd die here.'

"You're going to be fine," Ron told him firmly. "We'll fix this. We'll fix everything. And I'll call Hermione, and Malfoy of course, and let them know you're all right."

"Draco," Harry sighed. "Do you… do you think he'll still want to be with me?"

Ron frowned. "Of course he will."

"But I'm… look at me."

"You're in need of medical treatment is what you are. Let's go get that for you."

"But Draco…"

"Everything's going to be all right, Harry. He cares for you."

_Yes,_ Harry mused. _But does he care about me enough to get past this?_

~~~

_Twelve weeks later_

"Do you think I'm weak because of what happened?"

Draco's hand didn't falter as it stroked through Harry's hair, Harry's head resting on his lap. "No. I think you're strong for surviving it."

"But… I'm a man. Things like this aren't supposed to happen to men. How could I let someone attack me like that? How could I let my guard down?"

"You had no reason to believe that you weren't safe, and he caught you when your back was turned."

"I guess, but… it's humiliating. I feel like everyone is staring at me sometimes, at work, on the street... like I'm branded or something."

"They can all fuck off. Do you know that there are a rather large number of men who are raped every year? There are far fewer reported cases than occurrences – do you know why?"

"Because… they're embarrassed, I'd imagine." Harry shifted slightly. 

"Exactly. They're too embarrassed to tell, or they climaxed during the attack and it confused them… there are a lot of reasons, but that's why so many more go unreported than with women. And keep in mind that a lot of women don't report it, either."

"Oh." Harry frowned thoughtfully. "My Mind Healer told me about some sort of support group, but I figured it would be all women and they wouldn't understand, you know?"

"You'd be surprised. But ask your Healer if there are any just for men. Maybe that will help to ease your mind." He paused. "Did you know that I was afraid you wouldn't want me anymore, Harry? Afterward?"

Harry looked up at Draco in surprise. "What? Why?"

"In the beginning, I was terrified because you and I… this is your first relationship with a man, and we'd never even had intercourse. After what happened to you, I was sort of afraid you'd never want to be with a man again." Draco's fingers threaded through Harry's dark hair. 

"I _do_ want to. Things are sort of getting better, aren't they?"

"I think so, yes. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one with insecurities because of this. I don't think you were ready to hear it before."

"I can't believe you'd think that when all I wanted was to hold onto you."

"I can't believe you'd think I wouldn't want you anymore when all I wanted to do was hold onto _you_." They smiled at each other.

"I don't see him everywhere anymore. Some things still remind me, and there are times where I'm sure I'm back there, but it's becoming easier to remember that I'm not. And, of course, there was that blow job this morning." Harry grinned with pride.

Draco chuckled. "It was a lovely surprise to wake up to."

"I actually enjoyed doing it, too, and it gave me a bit of my confidence back. My Mind Healer thinks I'm making progress."

"Do you?"

"Yes, I really do." Harry took a deep breath. "I have to thank you again for sticking this out with me. We'd barely gotten started, and…"

"We got started when we were eleven years old, Harry. I'm not going anywhere. Rest, now."

Harry smiled and closed his eyes, enjoying the soothing feel of Draco's fingertips against his scalp. He vaguely heard Draco's murmured _"Nox"_ and realized he didn't mind.

He was safe, and he no longer had anything to fear from the dark.


End file.
